When parents sit across from me in my office, I often hear a familiar concern: “I think my child is being manipulative.” I see the worry in their eyes, the slight slump of exhaustion in their shoulders, and I understand the deep love behind their concern.
If you’ve found yourself thinking your child might be manipulating you, please know you’re not alone. I’ve worked with countless parents who’ve felt exactly as you do, especially those raising children who’ve experienced trauma, loss, adoption-related challenges, or who have neurodevelopmental differences like ADHD or autism.
Rethinking What We Call "Manipulative"
When we label behavior as “manipulative,” we’re suggesting our child is calculating and intentional in their actions. But in my years working with families, I’ve found this rarely captures what’s actually happening.
Your child isn’t sitting in their room devising ways to control you. More likely, what you’re seeing is:
A struggle to put complex feelings into words
Emotional storms they don’t yet have the skills to navigate
Attempts to create a sense of safety and predictability
A deep need for connection and reassurance
Testing to see if you’ll remain steady when they cannot
Let me share what I’ve observed with M., a 7-year-old I worked with. Her parents were frustrated by her constant negotiations at bedtime. From their perspective, she was manipulating them to stay up later. When we looked deeper, we discovered M. experienced intense separation anxiety at night. Her “manipulation” was actually fear —fear she couldn’t yet articulate in more mature ways.
Your Child's Behavior is Speaking to You
One perspective that helps many parents is viewing behavior not as a problem to solve, but as valuable information about your child’s inner experience.
When your child negotiates endlessly about bedtime, they might not be trying to delay—they could be experiencing the anxiety of separation. Bedtime means being alone, away from your reassuring presence.
If your child lies about small things that are easily discovered, they aren’t necessarily being deceptive. For children who’ve experienced unpredictable caregiving, lying can become an automatic shield against potential negative reactions.
Remember that your child’s brain is still developing. The prefrontal cortex—responsible for impulse control, planning, and decision-making—isn’t fully mature until the mid-twenties. Your school-aged child literally doesn’t have the brain architecture yet to consistently make thoughtful choices, especially when emotions run high.
Shifting How We See Our Children
The frame through which we view our children’s behavior directly shapes how we respond to them. Consider these alternative ways of understanding what you’re experiencing:
| Instead of thinking… | Try considering… |
|---|---|
| “Her tantrums are just to get her way.” | “She’s overwhelmed and hasn’t developed better ways to express what she needs.” |
| “He’s only doing this for attention.” | “He’s seeking the connection he deeply needs right now.” |
| “She pushes my limits every single day.” | “She’s checking to see if I’ll stay consistent and predictable.” |
| “He’s so controlling and defiant.” | “He feels safer when he has some sense of control in his world.” |
| “She’s trying to embarrass me in public.” | “She doesn’t yet have the skills to manage her emotions in stimulating environments.” |
| “He remembers the rules, he just doesn’t want to follow them.” | “His impulse control is still developing and is especially challenged when he’s tired or hungry.” |
This shift isn’t about letting difficult behavior slide. It’s about understanding it more clearly so you can respond in ways that help your child grow.
What You Can Do in Those Challenging Moments
Even with this understanding, responding thoughtfully when you’re frustrated takes practice. Here are approaches I’ve seen work for many families:
Give yourself permission to pause
Before responding, take a breath. Even a few seconds creates space for a more intentional response. One mother I work with silently counts to five when she feels her frustration rising—this simple practice has transformed her interactions with her son.
Ask yourself what might be beneath the surface
What need or feeling could be driving your child’s actions right now? Is your child hungry, tired, overstimulated, or seeking connection? Sometimes the most challenging behaviors happen when basic needs aren’t met.
Connect with the feeling first
Before addressing behavior, briefly acknowledge what you see: “I can tell you’re really frustrated right now.” This validation often helps children feel seen and can reduce the intensity of their reaction.
Set boundaries with empathy
Children thrive with clear, consistent boundaries: “I understand you’re upset. Those feelings are okay. Throwing things isn’t okay. Let’s find another way to handle these big feelings.” Your child needs to know both that you understand AND that you’ll help maintain safety and structure.
Be the calm you hope they’ll learn
Your regulated presence is how your child gradually learns to regulate themselves. This doesn’t mean being perfect—it means modeling repair when you make mistakes: “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I was feeling frustrated, but I should have taken a breath first.”
Notice and celebrate progress
When you see your child using new skills—even imperfectly—acknowledge it: “I noticed how you used your words when you were angry instead of hitting. That shows real growth.”
A Perspective That Makes a Difference
Parents who make this shift often tell me they begin to see their children differently—not as deliberately pushing buttons, but as small humans communicating with limited emotional resources.
One father shared with me, “When I stopped seeing my daughter as manipulative and started seeing her as struggling, everything changed. I wasn’t as angry anymore. I could respond instead of react.”
The challenging behaviors don’t magically disappear with this approach. But when we meet our children with understanding rather than assumption, we create the conditions where healing and growth can happen.
Your child isn’t manipulating you. They’re communicating in the only way they currently know how.
And your willingness to see beyond the behavior to the need beneath it? That’s not just good parenting—it’s exactly what your child needs from you right now. This compassionate perspective not only helps your child develop better emotional skills; it also preserves and strengthens the connection between you—the foundation upon which all healthy development rests.
